Lust and Trust
by MistyxKisame
Summary: Sometimes the people you thought cared and loved you are really the dirtiest pieces of trash you thought you knew. Shepard finds out the hard way when he catches Garrus and Tali talking dirty to each other. Not wanting to be a side guy, Shepard pursues others with hilarious results. From the rough and tough krogan all the way down to vorcha, will it hurt to try? Probably.
1. Prologue

Yet another ME fanfic that hopefully will be successful…well more successful than the last fanfic anyway. This story is based around a glitch I encountered in my Mass Effect game. I walked in a Garrus/Tali scene and it **wasn't** supposed to happen. I was romancing Tali and I was confused when I saw this. I reloaded it and that scene didn't play anymore. I wonder why it did that. Then again glitches like that happen a lot in my ME games. I could probably list about 30 or more if you asked me. I haven't encountered many in ME3, but they're still there.

WARNING: Contains out of character characters, bashing (nobody's getting left out), mentioned glitches, and Shepard/Legion among a few other Shepard pairings.

* * *

Shepard couldn't believe his eyes or ears. Why? Why would they do this to him? He trusted those motherfuckers, especially Garrus's bitch ass. He could have booted the turian ages ago when Saren was still a problem. He could have told the guy he didn't need him once before when he was recruiting the first time and again the second time. Garrus was a trusted friend and comrade. Now he was a back stabbing cocksucker! As for Tali, didn't she show interest in Shepard before? Yeah she had and he had dated her, not minding the quarian at all. She was smart, had a nice personality, a dutiful young woman, and was very good at holding a interesting conversation. Tali had expressed not wanting to have sex just yet and Shepard told her that she didn't have to have sex yet if she didn't want to if she wasn't ready for it. He had shown a side of him that nobody else had seen before. It was because he cared and…well he loved the quarian.

Why did she leave him for Garrus? Well he wasn't sure she had just yet. He had walked in on them talking dirty to each other where Garrus was usually calibrating. He was sure he was just hearing things, but he had caught them saying things and even doing things only a couple would say to each other and do and not someone else more than once after hearing it once. Shepard hated to say it, but it made him want to cry…but only a little. It was only because he had spent his fucking money on a ring worth 100,000 credits. He couldn't sell it because of the fact that it was customized and had Tali's name on the inside of it.

To think he was planning on marrying that cheating, rat soup eating motherfucker and having kids with her. He knew he should have went after Liara. At least she could be trusted not to cheat and lay around with a womanizing dinosaur! Why didn't she just break it off with him instead of going to Garrus? Maybe he was too soft…actually maybe it was his attitude. Shepard observed his face. His eyes and scars were glowing red from his renegade actions. You know you're an asshole when you start glowing red. Maybe that was the turn off…or maybe it was how soft he was around her and how harsh he was around others. Either way, he refused to be a side guy. What was a human with a breaken heart to do? He may be renegade, but he did have feelings.

He wasn't sure how to go about breaking up with her though. He didn't want to, but it had to be done. However there was the whole Collector thing going on. Could it wait until then? HELL NO! What if they shot at him? Or worse, what if Garrus tried to eat him? Turians didn't have sharp teeth for nothing. He wasn't sure what to do. Miranda wanted everyone at their best before defeating/going against the collectors. Shepard wasn't even close, but he could handle it. On the other hand, he wanted revenge before they even went near the Omega 4 Relay.

How could one get revenge? Maybe he could find someone too. Getting a girlfriend or boyfriend shouldn't be too hard. After all, it wasn't that hard to flirt or show interest in someone. It was a piece of cake! Now who to flirt with was the real problem. He couldn't date Miranda or Jack. Jack bitched about people using her and Miranda didn't want the to get in the way of the mission (although Shepard speculated that she was lying out of her ass and thought Shepard was nowhere near being as perfect as she claimed to be). Thane and Jacob were as straight as arrows. Joker was _probably_ straight. He couldn't tell. He was always flying the ship. Shepard wasn't interested in Joker like that anyway. What about Grunt? The thought of asking Grunt out made Shepard laugh. A gay krogan? That was hilarious. There was nothing wrong with being gay, but it was an odd thought about a krogan being even the slightest bit gay. Shepard shook his head and wiped away a tear from him laughing so hard.

He wouldn't mind being with one. He got along just fine with Wrex and Grunt and women krogan couldn't that must different. However he had never seen a female krogan before and he had a feeling they weren't going to let him near one. Females were highly priced on the krogan homeworld because very little of them could have babies. Maybe they'd let him get just one of them, just one of the infertile ones. However Shepard doubted they would just hand one over, even an infertile one. The ones who couldn't have children probably helped babysit or something.

What about an asari? Shepard shook his head. Asaris freaked him out. There was just something about him that was very weird and he didn't trust not a single one. Asari lived a long time and he didn't want to waste his breath speaking to one that would just move on within a month or even a week. Not all asari were like Liara. Young Asari tended to be whores. There were a few who weren't but that's beside the point. What about the hanar? As much as he didn't want to admit it, hanar was sexy as fuck. He wouldn't mind tapping some of that…

"Shepard-commander?"

"GAH!" Shepard turned around after jumping a good few feet. Legion had scared the crap out of him. He didn't even hear the geth come in. "Legion, you son of a bitch! You scared me! How fuck did you get in here?!"

"We apologize, Shepard-commander." Legion kind of sounded like he didn't care. "We walked in."

"No duh you walked in, but how did you?"

"We. Walked. In. With. Our. Legs." Legion said slowly.

"No shit! Now what do you want?" Shepard said annoyed. 'Since when did Legion become such a smart ass?'

"We were wondering if you were busy later."

"Not really. You need something? You know, besides an ass kicking for just walking in here."

"It was not as if you were naked." Legion said bluntly making Shepard stare at him.

"Did you just…"

"You know the answer, commander." Legion interrupted.

"You cheeky rascal."

"Very." Shepard again was stunned by Legion's speak. He was normally so polite and neutral most of the time. "As we were saying, would you do us the honor of coming to our 'room'?"

"Uh what for?"

"It is a surprise."

"You aren't planning something suspicious, are you?" Shepard narrowed his eyes at the geth.

"You may arm yourself if you wish." Legion walked out. Before the door closed, he looked back. "We hope to see you there."

Legion's light then cut off and then on before leaving. The renegade just looked confused. Was this a trap or was Legion's programs acting up? He wasn't going to ask Tali to fix him. If Legion started acting up, he'd just lead the geth to her. Maybe that was it! Legion wanted Tali gone! He quickly went into the AI core, making papers on Dr. Chakwa's desk fly everywhere.

What he found inside was surprising. There was a little table with candles decorating it, two bowls of soup, and a bottle of wine. Shepard was once again throw off by Legion. Wait, maybe this was Tali's way of saying sorry! Maybe she felt guilty and wanted to make it up to Shepard. Then again she wouldn't have went near/confronted the geth just for this.

"Legion did you do this?"

"Yes."

"I'm flattered." It was weird, but it was flattering.

"As you should be. Preparing this was very troublesome for us." Legion said sitting down.

"Why do you say that?" asked Shepard as he sat down in the other chair. He could figure why without him saying anything. People don't just sell things to geth unless they didn't know what a geth was. Imagine the look people would give the geth.

"The wine is our own and was no trouble. Getting the ingredients is another story."

"You didn't take them did you?"

"More or less."

"Well?"

"We will say no more…"

"Okay, if you say so…"

"…until you are drunk and won't remember." Legion mumbled.

"Did you say something?" his eyes narrowed at the geth. Did the geth say what he thought he said?

"No. Please enjoy your meal, Shepard-commander." Legion gestured at the food. "We made it ourselves."

Shepard decided to ignore the suspicious geth and ate just a bit of Legion's food. Surprisingly it tasted really good. Since when did Legion cook? It was the most delicious thing he had ever eaten. Maybe he should put Legion in charge of the food from now on. "When'd you learn to cook like this?"

"We "learned" from the prospective of another."

"How? Are you all connected to each other or something?"

"We 'connect' to each other by hubs." Legion explained. "We have to be near one to access another's prospective."

"So you didn't work in the kitchen?"

"No."

"Then why'd you learn it?"

"We learned it for you."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"When did you learn it?"

"A week ago."

"So you're telling me you left for a communication hub?"

"Yes. It was very easy to gain access to one. While you were flying near one of the hubs, we quickly organized a list of recipes we wanted to feed you. It was difficult given the distance, but we managed to get what we needed with EDI's help."

"EDI helped you without permission?"

"No. We forced a selective few of her programs to allow us to use her as we saw fit. We will not go into any details as to what we did. Just know geth have technology of their own that we use and develop. Using that with EDI's programs helped out."

"You didn't mess anything up, did you?"

"No…unless you wish us to."

"NO! I mean that's not necessary, Legion. I apparent you doing this."

"This one enjoys seeing the expression of happiness on your handsome face."

Shepard coughed. Now that was unexpected. "Legion, you called me handsome!"

"Does the term not fit? Shall we call you sexy?"

"I…uh…well I…uh…" Shepard wasn't sure what to say. Legion was hitting on him! "I don't mind, but uh…"

"Are you uncomfortable, Shepard-commander?"

"No, no! I'm just surprised to hear you say that!"

"Just because we are geth doesn't mean this platform doesn't have feelings or the geth equivalent of feelings."

"You mean you like me like me?"

"If by that you mean would we like to pursue a romantic relationship with you, then yes."

"I didn't know geth could be romantic."

"It is not common, but it is possible for an AI to love an organic or at least have some other feeling towards an organic. We are yet to meet another platform who has a relationship with an organic."

"I see." Shepard wasn't sure what to say. This would explain why Legion used his armor to repair himself, why he helped them before they could talk with each other, and this fancy dinner. "I guess being you romantically wouldn't hurt anybody."

"We are pleased to hear this."

The rest of the evening involved Shepard answering Legion's questions and vice versa. Shepard found Legion a heck of a lot more interesting than his whole crew combined. Legion had a bit of sass in him as demonstrated before. He even called Saren a little bitch, which made Shepard laugh so hard Legion feared he would die from laughter.

"Don't make me laugh like that! Where'd you learn that word?"

"It was not our intention to cause laughter and we learned it form you among other words."

"I figured you did. Just don't go using that around anybody else."

"We won't."

"Great. Right, so how was working with Saren besides him being a…uh…reaper's bitch?"

"He talked too much." Legion's light turned red. "We took delight in watching him die."

"GEEZ, LEGION!" Shepard said loudly. "You're really something! Wait, you were there?"

"More or less." Legion didn't say anything else.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?"

"No. It is getting late. You should sleep. We will clean up here. If you are still interested, come back in a month."

"Why a month?"

"No data available." Legion was clearly lying. Shepard didn't need facial expression to know lies when he saw/heard one. He wasn't going to push the geth though.

"If you say so. Good night, Legion."

"Good night, Shepard-commander."

Once Shepard had gotten back up to his bedroom, he was happy that he had gone. It was surprising that Legion liked him, but like he had said before it did make sense. The fact that Legion admired him and liked him was kind of cute and just a little creepy, but not too creepy though. Being with Legion was much better than being with a cheating, sickly fuck face. Plus, now that he thought about it, it would make Tali irritated and jealous. He wasn't just going to lie though. He wanted to see what other options he had though. He did give him a month to make up his mind…that or have a glorious threesome with Legion and some other participate. Yes, that would be something! Either way, Tali's little affair wasn't going to keep him down.

* * *

That's all for now. I don't hate Garrus or Tali and I know they wouldn't have a secret love affair behind Shepard's back. I might do a female Shepard version later if enough people tune in for this one, but only once this one is done. This story won't be all Legion/Shepard, but it is present. If you have any crazy OCs you want in the story, review or PM me (but mostly review). If you like it, tell me. If not, tell me anyway. Scenario suggestions may be put in later. BTW, no hate towards asari or any other race in ME. I might put in female Shepard or clone Shepard.


	2. The Beginning

Mandalore the freedom- It's a painful glitch to see and could seriously make you dislike Tali and Garrus had you not known it was a glitch. Something that isn't a glitch is that Tali seems to get over you breaking up with her pretty quick which kind of confirms my theory I have on her. That bitch has guys on the side.

* * *

The next day, Shepard did his daily routine. Wake up, brush his teeth, take a shower, put on his clothes, toss a dart at the pictures of all the people he disliked (knives at Garrus and Tali's pictures because they were special cases), do a couple of sit ups, and then clean his nose just in case there were some hidden buggers up there. His morning was going great…until Tali showed up at his door with a bowl full of oatmeal. The oatmeal was nicely decorated with nuts formed in a little heart, some raspberries shaped like a heart on the outside of the nuts, and blueberries in a circle surrounding that. It was too cute for words. Before now Shepard would have thanked her and smiled. Now he wanted to dump the meal on her head and watch her yell in pain.

"Good morning, Shepard." She said shyly. "I made you some breakfast."

"I see." He stared at it. 'She's never done this before. She poisoned it!'

"I also wanted to feed you."

"I can feed myself, Tali." He said blankly trying not to yell at her.

"I know, but I just thought it would be nice to start practicing if you got hurt and couldn't feed yourself and…"

"Are you saying you want me injured?!"

"No! Keelah, I've done it again. I just meant that if you ever got harm, Keelah forbid it, I want to be able to care for you."

'LIES!' Shepard wanted to slap her. "I guess practice makes perfect then."

Tali and Shepard sat down on his bed. Tali fed him a couple of spoonfuls. He had to admit it tasted pretty good. Before Tali could feed him anymore, Shepard started feeling itchy. Not even long after that it got hard to breath. TALI HAD POISONED HIM! Shepard ran out of the room clutching this throat. He fell over before he even reached the doctor.

When he woke up, he heard voices. "...doctor?"

"Nothing to worry about." The good doctor said. "He'll be just fine."

"CRAZY BITCH! YOU POISONED…oh hey Miranda." He had a gun pointed at Miranda, but sheepishly put it away.

"Shepard, are you alright?" Miranda said looking him over.

"I feel fine. What happened?"

"You had an allegic reaction."

"Oh…are you **_sure_** it wasn't poisoned?"

"Yes. I checked to see if you were, but luckily you weren't."

"Ah. I see." He said quietly. "Well I'd better go."

He slapped Joker over the head and demanded that he head for the Citadel.

"OW! THAT HURT!"

"I know! NOW DRIVE! FLY! WHATEVER!"

"Geez! You're an asshole!"

"When did you start noticing this, Joker?"

Joker mumbled under his breath, but did as he was told by his commander. While Joker was busy doing that, Shepard looked at his files and indeed he was allergic to raspberries and nuts. He called up his mother and questioned her about it. As it turned out, his parents had found out about his allergies when he was a baby. Other than when he was a baby, his nut allergy wasn't bad and raspberries were just something Shepard never ate other that one time (aka when he lived with his parents). The fact that it was in his files made Shepard worry. Maybe Tali and/or Garrus had gotten into them somehow and tried to mess him up! Now that was low! Once they got to the Citadel, he told everyone they were off for a month and to get off the ship before he changed his mind and threw everybody off the airlock instead. EDI corrected him and said he should have said "out" instead of "off" and also reminded him throwing members of the crew out might hamper his mission. Shepard ignored her and made for the exit.

He decided to go where he could find ass. To his surprise he found a krogan FEMALE with a male krogan in the markets. He could tell because of her voice. "Are you _sure_ this is where he ran off to?"

"Positive. I saw him head this way. Have I ever been wrong?"

"Yes. I knew coming here with you was a bad idea."

"You're always doubting me!" the other krogan bitched.

"And you're the whinest thing I've ever had the displeasure of being around." She snapped back. "I'm going back to my clan! I'll let someone else deal with this."

The female started walking away. "Yeah! Like you always do! YOU'LL BE BACK WITHIN A WEEK, YOU INFERTILE BITCH!"

She stopped and looked back. He was already trying to run away from her. She pulled out a gun and shot his leg. Shepard shook his head. What a stupid krogan. It must really hurt not to be able to have a child of her own. The krogan just shook her head as the male krogan cried in pain as he held his leg. The wound didn't even look that bad. What a little bitch!

Shepard saw his chance and came on over. "Hey."

"What?"

"I saw what you did back there. He deserved what he got."

"He did."

"So what are you two here for?"

"What do you care, human?"

Normally he would have told her that this human had a name, but with him trying to get some and her being rightfully mad, he decided to act calm. "I don't like seeing a pretty young thing such as yourself in distress."

"You can't even see my face."

"Uh…yes, but I can tell your beautiful on the inside and that counts." She just stared at him. "Also I'm a spectre so I do what I can for anybody."

"I don't need to be hit on."

"But I'm sure you wanna be."

"No."

"Oh come on! So between me and that whiny son of a bitch, you pick him?"

"No. I just don't pick either of you. I'm only here because we're looking for a salarian doctor who kidnapped a baby krogan from my camp. She was my brood sister's child."

"So why is he here?"

"It's his."

"Hopefully he or she won't be a little bitch like him."

"Now that's one thing we can agree on."

"How about I find this salarian for you?"

"You want something in return, right?"

"Duh and you don't have a choice. I find this salarian and your sister's kid and you go on a date with me."

"I wish I did, but I don't. Fine. It's a better offer than giving you money."

"Well see ya!" Shepard ran off to go find a salarian. It wasn't until he got to the loading dock was when he realized he hadn't even asked what the kid or salarian looked like or even what the guys's name was. Once he had loaded himself up with guns and ammo, he was about to leave the Normandy when he ran into Garrus.

"Shepard, there you are."

"Garrus." He resisted the urge to beat the turian and most likely lose to that fucker.

"It's surprising you actually gave us shore leave."

"Yeah. Surprising."

"What made you decide that?"

"Don't question me, Vakarian. I do what I want!"

Garrus was slightly surprised at this (since Shepard was always nice to him), but shrugged it off. This was Shepard here. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't…" Shepard said out loud. '…you fucking around with Tali did anger me though, you turian fuck!'

"Luckily for you this shore leave will give you and Tali some time together if you know what I mean." Garrus nudged the commander playfully. Shepard looked him up and down with a look that someone would give someone who just rubbed shit on them.

"Don't fucking touch me, mother fucker."

"Geez, Shepard. Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"You could say that."

"Oh wait, is this about what Tali did? Because if it is, there's no reason to take it out on me."

"How do you know?" Shepard became even more suspicious.

"She told me."

"You two are really close, aren't you?" Shepard narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah, but not that close. I only like her as much everyone else."

"Oh I believe you, Garrus. I know you would NEVER **_EVER_** fuck **_ME_** over because you and I are close. We're like brothers." Shepard got up in Garrus's face and looked him straight in his eyes.

"That's nice of you to say, Shepard." Garrus backed up a little, liking for his personal space to be personal.

"Yes it is nice. You know Garrus. We've been through a lot. I know you'd never do me wrong. EVER! Isn't that right, buddy?"

"Of course." agreed Garrus.

"Now that I've said that, you don't have **anything** you wanna _share_ with me, do you? You can tell me _anything_ and I mean **ANYTHING**."

"Okaaaay…" Garrus seemed confused. "Is everything alright, Shepard?"

"No. Is everything alright with you? Are you seeing anybody?" Shepard wiggled his eyebrows.

"No. Haven't really had the time for a girlfriend or anything." he admitted. "You aren't trying to set me up are you?"

"FUCK NO AND DON'T YOU TRY TO THAT TO ME!"

Garrus jumped back looking even more confused. "I'm not…what even…"

"Good. Let's keep it that way, Garrus." With that Shepard left, leaving the turian wondering what the fuck just happened.

On his way out, he ran into…UGH! Tali! "Shepard, there you are! I was looking all over for you! I'm really sorry for what happened earlier. I didn't know you were allergic to…oh I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry, Tali. I'm sure you didn't know and didn't look into the database and see if I was allergic or anything."

"I didn't even think to look there." she confessed, saying this in a clearly nervous and embarrassed tone. "How could I have been so stupid? I guess I wasn't thinking you were allergic to anything."

"Well what's done is done." Shepard said waving it off. "I've gotta go."

"Wait! I-I was hoping that you and I could…could do something together…if you're not busy…o-or still mad at me."

"I'm not mad, Tali." Shepard assured her. 'I'M FURIOUS YOU CUNT!'

"Oh good! Then can we…"

"Sorry, I got shit to do."

"Oh…"

"It's not you. I just gotta get things done. It won't take long. As soon as I get back, we'll do some things together, okay?" He squeezed her hands.

"Okay. I've got things I have to do anyways. Let me know when you want to meet up again." Tali sounded disappointed, but Shepard didn't care. She was a no good turian fucker anyways.

Once he left, he went about his business. While on his way to search for a salarian, he noticed a hanar. Time to make a move. "Hey, there sexy."

The asari that just so happened to be passing by and glared at him. "Don't hit on me. I'm married."

"I was talking to him…uh…her…uh the hanar. Get to stepping, bitch!"

The asari looked surprised. As you know, asari are the most preferred race. Unless the other species was married, had a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé, or (in a rare instance) didn't like asari, an asari was rarely turned down. This guy was hitting on a hanar and not her? It was a good change, but an unexpected one. Who hits on hanar? Next thing you know, a human was going to hit on a vorcha! She'd never thought she'd see the day when a human or any other species hit on a hanar.

"You were speaking to this one?" the hanar was equally surprised. Usually the only time another race spoke to hanar were to tell them to get lost, exchange business (either with drell or other merchants), or to tell them to shut up.

"Yeah." Shepard leaned on a wall in front of the confused alien. "I couldn't help but to notice you over here all alone. Meeting up with somebody?"

"Yes. This one was planning on…

"Look, forget about whoever's coming. Me and you…we're meant to be."

"Uh…what…it…huh?" The hanar was unsure.

"Come on, baby. You know you want it. Me and this 9 inch…"

"Good morning, Kel. I've got the…oh. I see you're busy…" A drell had just come up.

"NO! N-NOT AT ALL!" Kel said rather quickly. "Let's discuss business. Excuse us, please."

"Don't worry. I'll be right over here." The hanar left for a few minutes, exchange a package with the drell, and came back over to Shepard. "About time."

"It was only gone for a few moments, but never the less it is sorry it kept you waiting."

"So, you seeing anybody, gorgeous?"

"No." the hanar sounded nervous. "This one doesn't mean to sound impolite, but this is a prank, right?"

"What? Can't a human flirt with a hanar if he wants?"

"If he wishes I guess…it apologizes for being rude. This is unexpected." Kel admitted. "Normally it gets insulted."

"I bet that must hurt."

"Not at all. This one is used to it."

"Well not from me. Anybody tells calls you a stupid jellyfish and they're fucked!"

"That's…nice of you?" Kel didn't know if that this was a prank or on purpose.

"So how about me and you go back to my place and get to know each other a little better?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm busy."

"It's because I'm human isn't it." Shepard looked down in pretend shame. "You'd much rather have an asari, right? I understand…I-I get that a lot. The asari are pretty flexible and a lot of them are a pretty blue color."

"N-no! It didn't mean to imply that! This one is just surprised that a human would show interest! I-it apologizes for being so tactless."

"So you'll go out with me!?" Shepard looked at the hanar so quickly and eagerly that the poor creature nearly fell over out of shock.

"It will think about it."

"Please? Pleeeeeaaaaaseeee!"

"Fine." The hanar snapped out of character. This human was starting to invade its personal space.

"YES!" Shepard ran off to go search for a salarian and baby krogan.


	3. Getting a chick magnet

**2 HOURS LATER**

"STAND DOWN!" Shepard had his gun pointed at the salarian. "PUT HIM DOWN!"

"NO! THE KRO…" Shepard gunned down the salarian without even batting an eye. He had actually stumbled upon him on accident. He was observing a couple of krogan talking about fish and had bumped into a salarian. For someone part of one of the most intelligent species known, why on earth would he be trying to sell a healthy krogan baby in public? After gunning down his partner, the salarian ran off and Shepard ran after him before he corned him and shot him.

"Now that this is done, time to go get laid!" he picked up the tiny krogan and observed the child. He was so small and adorable. Who knew the krogan could look so non-threatening at any point in their lives? Well that krogan wasn't getting this baby back! She was probably going to turn him down or pretend to want to drop the kid back and come back but only to lie to him and just go back and stay there with her sister and nephew.

He dropped the krogan back on the ship…well that's what he wanted to do. EDI of of course caught him in the act. "Commander Shepard."

"Oh hey, EDI." He smiled at the…well air because EDI was the ship.

"Have you adopted?"

"Excuse me?" Shepard noticed that he had the baby exposed. "Oh him...I mean what baby?"

"I can see a krogan child in your arms, Shepard. Remember, I am part of the ship. Everything the cameras see, I see."

"You creepy AI fuck! I'm not giving up little John!"

"Are you referring to the baby krogan?"

"DUH! YOU SHALL NOT…uh…GET RID OF HIM! HE'S MINE AND HE'S GOING TO HELP ME GET ALL THE LADIES!"

EDI was quiet for a minute. "Unless my…"

"I meant Tali will fall even more in love with me." Shepard said quickly after realizing his mistake. "I was joking."

"Joking…I see."

"Yeah. You might wanna find out how to make a good one someday."

EDI got quiet again. Shepard took this moment to run off the young child. After tossing on a blanket and a make shift diaper, he changed and went out on the town aka the Citadel. He tried talking up a young woman but failed because Little John bit him and he shouted at the child. She slapped him and called him a horrible person and that the baby probably wasn't even his and he took it. It got turned a name calling match before Shepard got irritated and shot her and ran off.

The next person he tried picking up was a female salarian sitting alone upstairs above the bar. "I'm here to fulfill a breeding contract, not mingle. Besides, I'm not into humans."

"Since you're waiting, how about I warm you up?" he wiggled his eyebrows at the salarian.

"What are you talking about? Is this some kind of human slang?"

"Let me reword that…how about I fulfill that contract for you?"

"I still don't understand. What are you…"

"Let me fuck you instead. That salarian dick ain't no good. I'm a good 9 inches. I'll fill you up to the brim with my thick cock and fuck you so hard your life will expand by 5 good years and you'll be begging for more as my cock pounds your surely lovely ass."

"I'm calling C-Sec." she said flatly, not liking the way that the commander was speaking to her.

"Call 'em. I'm a spectre. They can't do a damn thing about me sexually harassing you."

"So you admit that you're harassing me!"

"Harassing...charming...same thing." Shepard shrugged. "You know you want it and you're probably just calling some other salarian in so he can get in on in the action. Such a dirty girl."

"This is why I don't associate with humans." the salarian scoffed.

"You will in a minute."

Once C-Sec did a arrive, it was a turian officer. "Okay, what's going here?"

"This bitch wants a 3-some."

"What?" He looked at the salarian as if she had just mooned him.

"I did no such thing!" She exclaimed. "I was just sitting here..."

"Sexually harassing me!" finished Shepard. "I was trying to look for this little one's mother when this bitch here starts making unwanted passes at me. Then she just comes out of nowhere yelling that she wants a threesome so she calls C-Sec!"

"Is that so?"

"Officer I assure you..."

"Lock her up!" The turian nodded and grabbed the salarian's arm.

"Let go of me!" she tried getting away from the turian. "I didn't do a damn thing!"

"Poor drunk thing is in denial."

"I can tell. She still has alcohol on her breath."

"I only had 5 glasses, you assholes!"

"Five glasses? How are you not dead?"

"They were only small glasses. All together they only equaled about 2 normal glasses!" she said still struggling.

"Yeah right. You're under arrest."

"DAMN YOU BOTH!" She yelled loudly, drawing some attention. "GOT OFF OF ME!"

"I'll take it from here." As he dragged the salarian off, Shepard wondered off to go find some more people to chat up. Obviously the baby wasn't a big fan of the club scene, so Shepard ventured somewhere else.

He ended up getting an asari to chat him up. "Is that an actual baby krogan? He is so cute!"

"Yeah. I was doing his mom and I got this rascal here after she died." h lied.

"Wait...a human actually had sex with a krogan female? A fertile one at that! How did you…?"

"What can I say? I'm an amazing guy. I can tell you over dinner how I fought off a bunch of male krogans to rescue her from being tested on if you like."

"Well I don't have anything to do, so why not?" After setting up the time and place, the asari departed as she had to get to work. Yes! Another date! BOO YAH! Even if it was with an asari, a date was a date.

"We got a hot date tonight, my boy!" he said tossing the child into the air, causing the boy to giggle. "We've gotta get dressed up!"

* * *

After going shopping for some new threads for him and his new son, he placed on all of the costumes he had purchased on his son. It was there was a duck one, a batman suit, cat, monkey, turtle, and even a little quarian costume. That last one had cost Shepard a small fortune, but he didn't care. It was too good to pass up...plus after that fight he had with that one woman and her husband there, it was definitely worth it! He looked back on the fight in amusement. If not for his biotics, he would have been put at an disadvantage because he had dumped all of his weapons on the ship and they had a gun...well the wife did. Had Jack been there and seen him, she'd had been jealous.

He placed the duck suit on the child. He was too cute! He wasn't going back to that shitty krogan planet anymore! He'd be treated like a king with Shepard...well _prince_ to be honest. There could only be one king and that king was him. He started the kid some mashed peas only to have said peas thrown in his face by the kid spitting in his face.

"You little bastard, what the heck was that for?! This stuff is top grade! See?" The commander put some into his mouth only to spit it out seconds later. "This shit is awful! My son doesn't need to be eating shit! That fucker's gonna get it! I should have asked Legion."

After blindfolding and tying up the cook, shoving the peas down his throat, and tossing him down the stairs, Shepard made some food for his son and fed him with success. He would have asked Legion to cook him up some food, but the geth was nowhere in site. Where the heck did he go anyways? Did he go back to his fellow geth or something? Shepard would have thought Legion would stay on the ship and hang out with EDI, but he was gone. He'd have to ask Legion or someone else where the geth went. He decided to let it go for now and just prepare for his date. As long as he got laid, he didn't give a damn about anything.

* * *

Thanks for reading.


End file.
